Don’t be afraid to wear socks with sandals


This time of year, I step out of my comfort zone to make a dramatic fashion statement. It’s not my yellow Speedo swimsuit or my pink paisley bow tie or even those stretchy, skin-tight latex double-pleated khakis. It’s always been my habit to wear socks with sandals.

If there’s one thing Democrats and Republicans agree on, it’s that no American should be allowed to wear socks with sandals because it violates regulations written by the Centers for Disease Control. and its sister agency, the American Fashion Institute.

People in a respectable society just don’t, so I’m venturing cautiously. I’m always looking to see if my neighbors are watching and whispering, “Look at that doofus wearing socks with sandals.” Doesn’t he know that the first rule of civilized fashion, as laid down by Anna Wintour and Karl Lagerfeld, is that the plebeian class should not be allowed to wear socks with Tevas and Birkenstocks? »

It doesn’t help my case that my socks have holes in the toes. Hey, these are tough times, so tough that Americans will probably have to start mending their socks for the first time since the Great Depression to have enough money for gas and fuel oil. Whole generations of young Americans in Ivy League schools don’t even know how to darn a sock.

I developed this habit growing up in Pine Rock Park, Shelton, where we were mavericks, not afraid to break the rules.

The fiercest criticism comes from my daughters, who insist that the practice is class in an awakened society and symptomatic of “toxic masculinity”. (They threw a lot of ideology at me.)

I have never seen a woman wear socks with sandals. If there is one, I would like to invite her to join my passive resistance. However, it seems to be a man thing, and we have few advocates to push our agenda forward let alone bold enough to be iconoclasts.

For the record, I would like to offer arguments in my defence. First: Have you ever looked closely at feet, especially your own? Feet can be horrible. Our toes are the least evolved part of our bodies, second only to our brains, and they’re often more hideous than the claws of those Jurassic Park dinosaurs.

Before you start yelling that I’m “toe shaming” or “foot shaming” and forbidding me from shopping at the DSW Shoe Warehouse, allow me to defend you. Although we are used to yelling at each other rather than engaging in reasoned discourse, this is an urgent public health issue, so please hear me out.

Wearing socks with my Tevas isn’t as scary as men wearing white socks with Bermuda shorts, which is a fashion violation worthy of Homer Simpson and Don Knotts…yet no one is attacking them , which shows you that justice is applied in a discriminatory way in this country.

I urge public health policy champions such as Chuck Schumer, Michael Bloomberg – the mastermind behind the Big Gulp ban – and Dr. Marcus Antonius Fauci to speak with the FDA and the American Orthopedic Association and to publish a directive requiring Americans to wear socks with their sandals. Here’s why:

1. No one should be psychologically scarred by looking at someone’s creepy toes. Spend a few moments studying your own toes and ask yourself, “Do I want to expose the public to this horrible spectacle at a time in American history when we are already experiencing unprecedented social unrest and the likelihood of a recession? Besides, do I want to expose my toes to public humiliation? They could be scarred for life and not respond to psychotherapy.

2. It is undeniable that the smell of the feet. By wearing socks with your sandals, you will promote clean air and control global warming. You will be congratulated by John Kerry, Greta Thunberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore, not to mention Dr. Scholl.

3. Your feet get dirty when you don’t wear socks, and with the drought conditions in many parts of this country, the day will come when you can no longer wash your feet because water will be as scarce as formula and the buffers.

4. TICKS. Yes, ticks are very scary. They are everywhere. Plus they bite. A few weeks ago I found one stepping on my pillow and ran screaming down the hall until I found a tennis racket to bludgeon it with. Ticks also spread disease, so be careful and wear socks even if you intend to spray insect repellent on your bare feet.

If you are not convinced by these arguments, consider at least one alternative: spray your feet with Lysol and OFF! Then, cover your toes with a face mask, as recommended by Dr. Fauci.

Joe Pisani, former Stamford lawyer and editor of Greenwich Times, can be reached at [email protected]


Comments are closed.